When you have found “the one” and end up in wedded bliss, divorce may be the last thing on your mind. But these days, the odds a married couple ends up wanting a divorce is relatively high. Today, this does not seem to be a bothering thing.
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You can find a lot of people who have gone through two or three failed marriages before they find the right match. People have the freedom to leave their marriages and be set free from their commitments through divorce. Sometimes it can leave you blindsided if you have not seen the signs early on.
Know the signs
So, how would you know if your marriage is fizzling out? Fading love is often subtle – nobody notices it until somebody points it out or until it is too late to fix things. Here is a list of subtle things that you may be doing that point out you are heading for a divorce.
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If you find yourself going through these situations all the time, you may be thinking more of separating than making your marriage work. This may be hard to admit but these situations are red flags that you and your partner should address.
You start to think of cheating
The moment you start to think or fantasize about cheating on your partner, it should be taken as a sign that you are losing interest in them. Even if they are just thoughts and you have not acted on them, the fact that you are considering it is a red flag.
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The good news is that this can still be fixed – especially if you have not acted on these thoughts. Consider why you are starting to have these thoughts in the first place. This may even help you see what you can do to improve your marriage before it is too late.
You have an emotional affair
Emotional affairs are tricky because most of the time, they happen subconsciously and you do not become aware of it until you are in too deep. You think you have just found a friend in someone of the opposite sex but it will eventually mess up your marriage.
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It may not be physical cheating but the fact that you are closer to someone else other than your spouse and that you prefer to talk to that person when you have problems puts your marriage at risk. You must turn to your spouse first before you turn to anyone else.
You live like you are single
When you behave as if you are single, you are disrespecting your spouse and the marriage you are committed to. A marriage requires genuine respect towards each other to grow and thrive. If you are married and you find yourself acting as if you are single, then this is a major red flag.
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It is one thing to go on a night out with your single friends. But it is another thing when you find yourself hanging out in singles clubs or flirting with the opposite sex as if you are single. This is a sign that you are desiring a different life than the one you are committed to.
You are having a physical affair and you don’t want to end it
Cheating as a one-time thing is easier to fix than a full-blown affair that has gone on for some time. It does not mean you should have flings though. Cheating is still cheating and it is a sin against your marriage.
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If you find yourself having a physical affair with one constant partner and you prefer to keep that relationship instead of your marriage, then there is no doubt that your marriage is reaching its inevitable end.
The intimacy is gone
Sex is not everything in a marriage but it is an important element to keep the passion burning. It is okay if you do not have as much sex as you did before. The problem lies when you stop doing it – even if you are both physically and mentally able to.
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Intimacy is an important part of a healthy marriage. If you notice that you are no longer sexually attracted to your partner or that one of you prefers to watch pornography, you should consider that as a major red flag.
You keep secrets from your spouse
Your spouse should know everything about you – after all, you chose them to be your partner for life. But when you find yourself hiding secrets and constantly lying to cover up those secrets, this could turn into a major problem.
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You may think these secrets are harmless. Or maybe you are keeping things a secret to avoid hurting them. Eventually, the truth will come out and no matter how good your intentions are, it will still feel like a betrayal. If you do not love your partner enough to know that they deserve the truth, then this is an issue that you should work on.
You see your spouse as a roommate
When you are in a loving marriage, you share a life together with your spouse. When the love is gone, you are merely living together under one roof. Yes, you still go through the motions of being a married couple but you have emotionally checked out.
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For couples that have lost their spark, there is an absence of intimacy and some would even enjoy sleeping in different rooms. Your spouse becomes a roommate that you have little emotion and communication with and that is not a good sign – even if you think you both like it that way.
You are not on the same page when it comes to having kids
Some couples are fine without kids while for some, it is a major deal. This is actually a topic that you should have discussed before marriage. You should be on the same page when it comes to having kids. If you are not, this is not just an ordinary difference of opinion. It means you have different life goals.
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You may think things will be okay at first but there is no doubt that one of you will feel resentful about not getting what they want later on. Having kids or not is a major life decision. It is not something that you can just “cross the bridge when you get there.”
When you think of future plans, your spouse is not included
Being married means you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to future plans. Changes may happen along the way but in the end, you still move forward together as partners no matter what the goal is.
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Let’s tackle a familiar question that we often encounter in job interviews – how do you see yourself 10 or 15 years from now? If you start blurting out goals that sound like you are picturing life without your spouse, then maybe your marriage will not stand the test of time.
You do major spending without consulting your spouse
A lot of marriages have ended because of financial issues. Money does not make the world go round but it is vital. Having separate bank accounts is okay as long as expenses are shared and you are transparent with each other.
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But the moment you have a secret bank account behind your partner’s back or you make major purchases like buying a motorcycle without consulting your spouse, this is a sign that you are moving forward to a life that does not include your partner at all.
You avoid spending time with your spouse
Having alone time is normal – in fact, it is necessary for your mental health. But when you start making excuses to spend all your free time away from your spouse, then that’s another matter. Marriage is not a relationship that you can just fade away from through your absence.
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People who love each other want to spend time together. Remember how inseparable you were when you first started dating? If that element is gone from your relationship, then you should consider it as a red flag.
You are not concerned when your spouse has a problem
Listening to someone else unload their personal baggage is not a fun picnic but your spouse is not someone else. They are your life partner. What affects them should also affect you and you should be their safe zone and source of comfort.
Source: Family Today
If you find that you are not even interested in what is bothering your spouse or that you don’t want to listen to them talk about their problem, it is a major red flag that indicates your marriage is on the rocks. Lack of concern is always an indication of a lack of interest and increases the risk of your partner having an emotional affair with someone else who is willing to listen.
You find it difficult to compromise
There will be days when you and your spouse will not be on the same page. In a healthy marriage, this is the part where compromises enter the picture. Making small sacrifices to reach a mutual agreement is what helps clear out any issue.
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If you find it difficult to compromise or that you resent any compromises you have made, then this is a sign that you are no longer willing to make small sacrifices for your partner and your marriage. If that is out of the window, every disagreement from this point on will just lead you to a bigger issue.
You do not apologize to your spouse
There is the saying that goes “love means never having to say you’re sorry” but that is not realistic. If you can’t even apologize to your spouse – especially in times when you know you were in the wrong – it means that you prefer to nurse your ego and prioritize your pride over your spouse.
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Admitting your faults or apologizing first is not a sign of weakness. It shows that you are willing to do what it takes to stop the fight. If you can’t bring yourself to say the words “I’m sorry,” at least show how apologetic you are through your actions.
You bring up larger issues over small issues
Remember that time your husband forgot to get takeout even if you texted him to do it on the way home because you are too tired to cook then suddenly the argument escalated to the time when he forgot about your wedding anniversary?
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Arguments like this that start over a small issue become so much more when you keep bringing up bigger mistakes that happened in the past. If all your fights end up this way, then it is a sign that you may be having bigger issues against your spouse than you may care to admit.
Imagining your spouse with somebody else does not hurt
Jealousy is a toxic trait but it is also an indication of love. If you no longer get jealous or hurt when you think of your spouse with someone else, then there is a problem in your marriage. This means the fear of losing your partner to somebody else does not bother you anymore.
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If you are not afraid to lose somebody, then that somebody does not have any value to you. If someone comes to be a threat in the relationship and you do not feel the least threatened, it means you are not willing to work on keeping your spouse and your marriage.
Divorce is a reflex when you are upset
For those who are in loving marriages, divorce would never cross their minds when they are going through bad days. After all, having ups and downs is normal in any kind of relationship. A good couple would find ways to work things out no matter what it takes.
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But if you find yourself thinking of divorce immediately every time you and your spouse fight or simply on days when they did something to annoy you, that’s a definite sign that your marriage is heading there. You may not say divorce out loud to your partner but the fact that you immediately think of it in trying times means there are greater issues in your marriage.
You show contempt towards your spouse
Ever find yourself doing eye rolls or making faces on your partner’s back? Do you often dismiss them with “whatever” as if what they say does not matter to you? Do you find yourself thinking that you are so much better than your spouse and that you can do better?
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Then you are having contempt. Contempt is a destructive behavior that builds up and grows in time. If you keep on having negative thoughts about your spouse, the love will surely fade away and you end up despising them.
You insult and disrespect your spouse
Respect is a major ingredient for a successful marriage. But if you act like your partner is no longer worthy of respect, then it indicates that you think the marriage is beneath you and that you could have done better.
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It can be something as little as joking about your spouse’s looks or something as big as screaming at your spouse in front of your friends. If you feel the need to show people you are the superior one in the marriage, then maybe it is time to assess whether you want to be in the marriage at all.
You can’t talk without arguing
Does every conversation end up as an argument when you talk to your spouse? That is a bad sign. This means that you are having non-stop fights and indicates a major disconnection in your relationship.
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Before you know it, what was once a blissful marriage has transformed into a toxic one. And toxic relationships are just draining. It may be time to start looking for divorce lawyers in this case.
You stopped fighting
Fighting all the time is a bad sign but not fighting at all is also a bad sign. Having arguments from time to time is healthy, especially on issues that you are passionate about. Healthy debates are always interesting and help you learn from each other.
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But if you no longer have the energy to argue and you find yourself just agreeing to everything and going with the flow, it means that you have lost interest or that you have given up and accepted the fact that there is nothing you can do to change things in your marriage. You are just riding it out until it reaches its formidable – but not surprising – end.
You have no common interests
Having common interests is important in the foundation of any relationship. It means you will have a lot to talk about no matter how long you have been together. Sure, some of these interests may change as you get older.
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For example, you may love attending music festivals together when you first started dating but what happens if you are too old to do so? You must constantly find new hobbies or interests that you can enjoy together. As the list of common interests decreases, so does the chance of making your marriage work.
You are not invested when it comes to fixing your marriage
Marriage is a full-time job. It is not just all about love and living together with your soulmate. It is all about sticking together when the times get rough. You need to put in the hard work – take time to grow, learn, listen, and compromise.
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If you are not willing to put in the effort to fix issues even when you know you are about to lose your partner or the thought of going through a divorce does not bother you, then it is a sure sign that your marriage has lost its value for you.
Therapy is not working
Married couples that go through therapy is not an uncommon thing these days. In fact, it is a positive sign that they are actively trying to fix the marriage. Now that we are more aware about our mental health, you do not have to worry about any stigma.
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But just because you are getting therapy does not mean that you can save your relationship. Therapy is a great tool but sometimes, it is enough to fix something that is already broken.